Confusing Beauty
by Tyara
Summary: What if Maerad and Dernhil had a chance to really get to know each other before his death?


What if Maerad and Dernhil had a chance to really get to know each other before his death? (Sorry I don't have the books here now and…I can't exactly remember how Dernhil was described, so if it isn't perfect how I see him…please excuse it, but if anyone can give me a proper description of the poor Dernhil, I'd be glad )

'Maerad, I think we're finished for now.' Cadvan said and smiled at me. 'You should hurry, I think Dernhil is already waiting for you.'

'Alright, Cadvan' I smiled at him and ran out of his house to meet Dernhil at his study. In front of the door I adjusted my clothes and knocked twice before entering. Dernhil looked up from his book and smiled gently.

'Take a seat Maerad.' He said softly and his hair was falling back over his face as he picked up some books from the floor. I smiled at him as I sat down next to him. 'Well, we should go on with writing then…' he added thoughtful, looking around for some piece of paper. As he finally found something in his chaos of a study he dame back to me and tripped over some books. I jumped up and tried to catch him. I hit my head hard on the wooden floor as Dernhil fell and landed right on myself. 'I…I'm so sorry Maerad' he looked into my eyes and one of his hands wiped my hair out of my face. The door opened behind us and I turned my head to see who it was.

'I'm sorry to interru-' it was Cadvan who looked at us and laughed softly. 'What is that supposed to be?' He raised an eyebrow and looked at Dernhil. I looked at the man on top of me either and saw the blush on his face.

'No..nothing I…I just fell over some books' Dernhil answers slowly.

Cadvan nods 'Well, I just wanted to bring those books back to you. Have fun, I'll see you later Maerad.' He smiled at me turned around and closed the door as he left us alone again. I looked back at Dernhil and noticed his hand still lay on my cheek and understood WHY Cadvan was smiling like he did.

'I'm sorry, I hope I didn't hurt you.' He said gently with concern in his voice as he stood up and held a hand out to help me back up. I took it and shook my head as I stood in front of him again. He wouldn't let go of my hand and led me back to my seat, pulling it back with one hand guiding me back onto the chair with his other hand. As he finally let go of my hand he was bright red on his cheeks.

'So, what…shall we do today Dernhil?' I asked and looked up into his clear eyes, somehow they reminded me on a deep lake, deep and filled with the clearest water, with just a touch of green that is on the ground of the lake. I looked back at the feather in my hand and heard Dernhil humming behind me, leaning on the back of the chair with his arms. He stood up again and handed me a small book.

'Try the first page Maerad.' He said opening it and went back to his chair. As he sat down he took a pieace of paper and his feather. I tried to write the first line. After the first word I looked up at Dernhil, without moving my head up. I found him looking at me, smiling as if he was dreaming of something really beautiful. He kept humming something while he and I were writing something.

When he was finished he looked back at me and found that I was already finished and watching him. I smiled softly and he stood up to look at what I did 'Great, I think we will try something new tomorrow.' He said cheerfully. I stood up, took my things with me and went to the door but he caught my arm and turned me around. 'I just wanted to give this to you.' He stated and dropped the carefully folded paper into my hand and closed my fingers around it. He looked at my hand brought it to his lips and kissed my hand gently. 'I see you tomorrow my Lady.' He let go of my hand bowed down slightly and smiled at me as I left and waved.

Back at Cadvans house I left my things and the piece of paper Dernhil gave me on my bed and left for my other lessons.

* * *

It knocked on the door again and I opened it slowly.

'Hello Dernhil.' It was Cadvan again.

'Hello my friend, what can I do for you?' I answered him as I let him into my study.

'Did anything happen between you and Maerad that…I should know about?' He asked with his concerned and soft voice.

'No, nothing happened between me and your beautiful Lady, Cadvan.' I told him smiling and I saw that he raised his eyebrow 'I just tripped, honestly.'

'And your hand?' Why couldn't this guy not notice something….just for once? I grumbled inside and blushed as I looked at him again.

'I…I…' I looked into his eyes, why must he be smiling, he knows everything and still he does this to me, why? 'I like her…much more than I should.'

His knowing smile turned into a friendly, loving laugh 'Be careful Dernhil. I really like and care for you, and for her. I don't want either of you to get hurt.'

I nodded slowly 'I know, the last thing I'd do is hurting her, you know that Cadvan.'

'Not intentionally at least Dernhil. I don't know much about her past, but I know more than you, the only thing I can really say is, please be careful with her. She's worth a lot more than I am. I couldn't forgive if you hurt her.' With that Cadvan left and went back to his own house.

I came back to Cadvans house, still sweaty from my training. 'Hello Cadvan.' I called after closing the door behind me.

'If you are hungry you can come and eat with me, if you like.' He said as he looked at me from the kitchen. I nodded and ran into my room to change my clothes. Without noticing the paper on my bed I went back outside to Cadvan. He had already made dinner and plates with mushrooms cooked in every possible way were in front of us.

'So how was your day Maerad?' he asked gently as he ate the first mushroom.

'Well Dernhil acted strange today, he seemed to be nervous. And before I left he gave me a-' my eyes widened and I ran into my room, looking for the paper and took it with me as I ran back to Cadvan. He looked at me, mouth full with mushrooms and his eyebrow raised I waved with the paper I got from Dernhil and he nodded as I sat down again. My eyes flew over the paper, trying to read and understand what stood there. But most of it was impossible for me to read. With sadness in my eyes looked back to Cadvan.

'What is it Maerad?' he asked softly with concern in his voice.

'I don't understand it…I can't read everything.' He smiled and took the piece of paper. Reading it his smile grew and he looked at me.

'Can you…read it to me, please?'

'I think that's something Dernhil should do.' He answered simply, but I looked at him with puppy eyes.

'Please, I…I want you to read it to me.' He nodded in defeat and began to read with the softest and most gentle voice I ever heard from him.

'As into your eyes I longingly gaze,

Like looking into the stars above,

Such dazzling beauty does ever amaze,

The stars, they dance, cause I'm in love.

As onto your sweet lips I gently kiss thee,

Tasting a fruit that seems forbidden,

You unleash bonds that set me free,

Awaken emotions that long were hidden.

And as into your bosom I find rest,

A sanctuary for my tumultuous soul,

I certainly count myself among the blessed,

To have found the one that makes me whole.

And throughout this universe I dare to say,

There is not another that could my heart so sway.

Your's Dernhil'

I looked in his eyes, a single tear running down my cheek. His hand gently wiped it away as he said 'His poems really are the most beautiful I've ever read.'

'Yes…yes they are.' We ate the rest of the time in silence. Until he took the plates away. 'Do you…do you think he means this?'

He looked at me 'What do you mean?'

'Do you think his poems hold the truth in them?' I said

'Well…as far as I remember they always do. And they always belong to someone who is special to him.' I nodded and went to my room. I fell onto my bed and started to think about Dernhil. _He's a man, I can't love him. Men don't love women, they just want them. Men are not to be trusted. But what about Cadvan? I trust him ever since I met him. He's not like the men I knew before. He's different from…every other man. He's special. He's gentle, caring, strong and trust worthy. But what about Dernhil? I like him, but he's not like Cadvan. Cadvan fought for my trust and my friendship. Dernhil…fights for my love? Or does he just want me to…let him use me? No he can't he's Cadvans friend! Why should Cadvan have friends that would betray him like that? I trust Cadvan and he trusts Dernhil…so why should I not trust him? And why is Cadvans opinion so important to me? Can't he be wrong too? No he couldn't, he is Cadvan, he knows almost everything. He would know if Dernhil was a bad man. He wouldn't let me be with him. Dernhils eyes are such beautiful things. They are glowing and shining even through the darkest night, his clothes are always dusty just like is hair is messy as if he just stood up…and Cadvan? His black clothes, even when he's travelling it looks beautiful. Even in the worst weather it still looks good. His hair is always perfect just like his clothes…his eyes hold such a deep beauty, such deep emotions, you can't see them just if you look really close, you'll see the sadness and the love that they hold inside…wait..why am I thinking about Cadvan now?_ I shook my head to clear my mind and tried to sleep.

The next day, I went to Dernhils study again. He was already waiting for me at his door. 'I think we will go and study outside today.' He said and smiled as he offered me his arm like a gentleman. I took it and he led me outside, to his house. In the garden were big trees and in the middle was a bird bath, with beautiful flowers around it. I stared around in amazement. I turned to face Dernhil and he smiled at me 'You like it?' he asked.

'Very much. It's so beautiful.' He pointed to a bench under a tree and we sat down there. He handed me some paper, a feather and ink.

'I want you to write what you think about the poem I gave you yesterday.' His voice was so soft and as I looked in his eyes there was so much hope and love in it.

I sighed 'I can't…I'm sorry but…it's confusing…I still don't know what I should think about it.'

He took my hand in his and gently stroked my cheek with the other 'I meant everything, and I just wrote it for you. I suppose Cadvan told you this already but…I want you to hear it from me. Listen to your heart, and just write down what comes to your mind.' He removed his hand from my cheek and left the bench to sit under another tree.

I looked back at the Paper in front of me. The same chaos in my head as the night before. _Cadvan….Dernhil? What should I think about him? Why can't I trust him like I trust Cadvan? Why can't I trust him like Cadvan does? Because it took Cadvan long enough to trust him like he does know. They are men, both of them. Why do I have so much faith in Cadvan but not in Dernhil? Cadvan really fought for everything there is. For our friendship, for my trust, for my happiness…for my life. He saved my life and he is the only life I have. I can't trust men, but I trust Cadvan because he did everythingin his might to deserve it. Dernhil…I don't know him enough to trust him. Will I ever even get the chance to know him better? He's beautiful, he just wants my best, he wants me to be happy, just like Cadvan, so why…why can't I just learn to trust…to love. Why isn't it as easy as it sounds? What does he even expect me to do? I don't even know how to react to his poem. It's wonderful, it holds more beauty in it than everything else I've ever seen or heard. Cadvan read it to me. Was it really just the poem or was it Cadvans voice that holds all the beauty in it? Why can't I think straight when I'm with Dernhil..why can't I just KNOW what to do. Simply know how to react. Accept it and live with it…Why can't I just fall in love like everyone else?_ As I heard Dernhils steady breathing behind me I turned to face him. He had tears in eyes! _He read what I wrote!_

'I'm sorry Dernhil' my voice sounds so sad…why? I turn around and stand up, as I try to run away I run directly into Dernhil who now was in front of me. He closed his arms around me and held me as close to him as he could. Slowly I put my arms around his waist. He leaned his head against mine and I felt his tears running through my hair. I never meant to make him cry. Without my notice tears ran down my cheeks and into his shirt. He slowly pushed me away, so gently. His hands on my cheeks he wiped away my tears with his thumbs.

'There's nothing you should be sorry for. There's nothing you have to apologize for. Just…please Maerad, give me a chance. Give me the chance to gain your trust like you did with Cadvan. I won't hurt you at least not intentionally.' I looked into his eyes, they were filled with concern and longing. Not longing for possession or domination but longing for love, for being loved. 'I'm not like the men at Gilman's Cot. And I will never be like them. Not every man is like that.'

I look into those deep eyes 'I'll give you a chance. I already gave you time to prove yourself.' I said and smiled softly at him. 'You mean a lot to Cadvan, and I always trusted him and his opinion.' I added and Dernhil hugged me again. I stood on my toes and whispered softly into his ear 'Your poem was beautiful. More beautiful than anything I ever read or saw.' I felt that he was smiling now.

'You should go back to Cadvan. Before he kills me for not letting you have dinner with him.' He smiled softly and let go of me 'I'll see you tomorrow my Lady.'

I laughed and looked at him confused 'Tomorrow? Why I thought-' he gently pressed a finger against my lips.

'Tomorrow, Silvia is giving one of her annual Ball's. I…Would you go there with me Maerad?' He said and blushed like a shy boy.

'Of course I will.' I saw his eyes shining at me and waved a goodbye.

'Maerad you should come down now. Silvia kills us if we are late!' I heard Cadvans voice and opened the door to do down to him and Dernhil. Silvia gave a wonderful dark red dress to me. As I saw the look on Cadvan and Dernhils faces I think it must look good.

'Can we go then my Lady?' Dernhil took my hand and kissed it softly.

'Yes, we can.' I said smiling at Dernhil and Cadvan.

The Ball room was bigger than any other room I've ever seen, whole Innail must be here. Dernhil took my hand to get my attention 'I'll get us something to drink. You can look for a place to sit meanwhile.'

I looked at Cadvan, he smiled his gorgeous loving smile, and led me to a bench in a corner not far from the bar.

Dernhil came back soon, with 3 glasses of wine, deep red wine with some berries swimming in it.

'Thank you Dernhil, I'll leave you two now. Have a nice evening.' He said and left with a smile.

I drank from my wine and watched as he went to Silvia. She was sitting alone at the bar, Malgorn was sick.

'Do you want to dance?' Dernhil asked after a while, and after some glasses of sweet wine, with a smile. I shook my head to get myself out of my thoughts again.

'Sure.' I simply answered and took the hand he was offering me. He went to the dance floor with me and looked into my eyes as we started to dance slowly. I'd have preferred it if it was a faster dance but it was still beautiful. Dernhil was a great dancer. He held me close to him while we were dancing. His hand slowly going up and down my spine, I shivered under his touch. It felt so good and it felt, right and wrong at the same time. As the music got lower he took my chin softly with one hand and lifted my head up to meet my eyes.

'You're so beautiful, so wonderful and you don't even seem to notice it yourself.' He whispered softly and lowered his head until our lips met in a short gentle kiss a light touch that my heart jump. He opened his eyes and looked at me again. I was so stunned and confused and he noticed it. He led me back to our seat and our wine and sat down next to me. 'I'm sorry Maerad. Please don't be mad at me. I didn't want to I...I forgot myself there. You just looked so adorable.' He looked sad. 'I didn't mean to betray Cadvans trust and hurt you.'

I touched my lips in confusion, they were hot and I could still feel his breath on my cheek. 'You…you didn't hurt me I think. I…just need time.' I said and saw the smile returning to his face again.

'You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I love you more than my own life. ' He held my hand in his and as I looked past him for a moment I saw Cadvan, he was watching us and had a look on his face as if…as if something bad happened to him. I looked back to Dernhil and nodded slowly.

The rest of the night we were just talking about random things until he brought me back to Cadvans house.

I woke up in the middle of the night as my door was opened. Someone went inside, trying not to wake me up and I knew it was Cadvan. I felt his hand on my hair.

I opened the door to Maerads room carefully and walked to her bed. I kneeled down beside it and looked at her face. _I don't want you to be with him. I want you with me. But if you need him to be happy I'll have to let you go. No matter how much this will hurt me. No matter how much it hurt me to see you with him the whole night._ I placed a soft kiss on her forehead without noticing the tear that fell on it. 'Good night beauty' I whispered into darkness and left the room again.

'Why was he crying?' I asked as the door was closed again and wiped the tear away…

a few months later in a cave

I sat at the opening of the cave watching the rain outside. Or watching Maerads sleeping form behind me next to the fireplace, which I probably did more often. She was so beautiful, and I can't tell her…I sighed deeply.

'Dernhil…Cadvan…' I heard her talking in her sleep. _Dernhil…my poor friend, you died to soon. You could have been so happy with her._ I thought and looked at her again, crawling closer as I saw she was moving restless in her sleep. She had a piece of paper in her hand and tears in her wonderful eyes and on her cheeks. I wiped them away and took the paper from her hand carefully. _The poem Dernhil wrote for her_. I looked at Maerad and held her hand in mine, close to my lips, kissing it gently before letting it rest on my leg, between my hands again.

I looked at her again and noticed another piece of paper in her pocket. _Shall I dare to look at it? No, she wouldn't trust me anymore if she found out…_I sighed and just held her hand close to my heart until she finally woke up. She looked at me and her sad eyes were almost too much for me to take. I wanted to hold her and give back some of her strength to her…but I couldn't. I knew if I would, I could never let her go again.

'Cadvan…' She muttered and looked at her hand which I still held in mine. As I wanted to let it go she kept holding my hand softly.

'You were dreaming of…Dernhil' I whispered and she just nodded, silence fell over us, just the rain was audible until she decided to break the unbearable silence.

'I remembered something yesterday.' She whispered to me as she sat up and leaned her head against my shoulder. I held her, stroking her hair and her back gently.

'May I ask what?' I dared saying after a while.

'Just some…lessons…in his garden.' She said slowly. 'I was sad and confused and he wanted me to write whatever was on my mind.' I felt her tears soaking my shirt, but I didn't care about it. I hated seeing her crying. If he hadn't shown her what love is…Maybe she wouldn't be so sad? 'It hurt him. What I wrote hurt him more than anything I could've done to him. I didn't mean to hurt him. He was a friend and…I didn't want to lose him as that. He was a friend but…nothing more.' I held her gently all the time, asking myself what she could have written that would have hurt Dernhil so much. _Wait did she just say they were just friends? Nothing more? And she didn't want anything else? _I thought about this the rest of the day, we couldn't continue our journey so we stayed in the cave the whole day. I should've been sleeping but I couldn't. Around the middle of the day she started humming a soft melody and I finally fell asleep.

I watched Cadvans sleeping form, humming around the same melody as I always did when I knew for some reason he couldn't sleep. I crawled closer to the fire and watched him in the soft light. I stopped humming and looked at the paper in my pocket again. I sighed and placed it in his pocket I kissed his cheek softly and watched the falling rain again. When he woke up he looked really cute. His hair messy and his cheeks red, his eyes half open almost falling closed again as he sat up as he took in the scent of mushrooms he suddenly looked more than awake. I smiled at him and handed him a plate full of his beloved food. We ate in silence. He wished me a good night and sat down near the entrence.

Again I watched Maerad, just like every other night too. 'I love you so much' I whispered softly. Again she was moving restless in her sleep m_ust be having dreams of Dernhil again_. I got closer to her again and held her hand in mine.

'Please…don't leave me.' How nice it would be to hear her saying that to me. I held her hand to my heart again and felt something in my pocket. I reached in with my free hand and opened it. _It's her writing_. I noticed and began to read.

_It's so confusing… I shall write what comes to my mind, but I can't because I can't get any order in my chaos like thoughts. He's my friend…I love him and I can never be with him. I trust him and I would die for him. I would do anything to save him. If I'd lose him it's like I'd lose my life too. Could I even live without him anymore? I don't know. I just know, that we will never be together. That I can never tell him what I really feel. He was so hurt at the Ball Silvia held. Now I know what that feeling in my stomach was when I saw __his face. I hurt myself because I hurt him. I could hurt us both because I love him. Cadvan…_

_I'm sorry Dernhil._

I read it over and over again, looking at Maerad and back to the paper. _Why is he still haunting you even if…you love me_? My heart was racing.

'Cadvan…I didn't mean to…hurt you…please…don't leave.' She muttered in her sleep and my eyes widened. My heart skipped a beat and jumped up as I saw that her eyes opened and the look of confusion in her eyes. I helped her to sit up and hugged her gently.

'I'll never leave you Maerad.' I whispered into her ear. She looked at me, her eyes were growing wide as she saw the paper in my hand. Her cheeks were turning red. I took her face in my hands and kissed her gently. 'I'm yours Maerad. And I always was. I love you.' I whisper softly against her lips and I feel the smile forming on her lips, the smile which I love so much. I felt her hands on my own.

'I love you too' she whispered and I gently kissed her again. Feeling her tongue softly on my lips I let her in and play with it gently, carefully. She let herself fall backwards and pulled me with her. I don't know how long we just lay there our hands stroking each other gently, carefully not to hurt the other.

As we broke apart and I looked at her 'We should stop now Maerad. I know you trust me and I want to keep it like that. But I'm just a man, I won't be able to control myself any longer.' I whispered softly into her ear.

'Than stop trying to control yourself Cadvan.' I heard her whisper in such a low voice such a seductive tone. She pulled me closer to her and pressed my body against hers again, a moan escaping through my lips.

'Maerad…not here and not now. We will have much time for this later' I whisper softly to her knowing I couldn't' resist her if she kept this look on her face, this seductive tone in her voice and especially her body so close to mine.

'If that is what you really want Cadvan, my love' she purred like a kitten.

'No, and you know that. And if you don't stop this right know, you know that I will take you right know. It's just not what I want for us, for you. I want it to be beautiful.' I whispered softly.

She moved her hips up against mine in a slow, rolling-wave like motion _I'm going to lose my mind right now in this cave…_I thought to myself 'I'm with you, and as long as I'm with you it's beautiful no matter where we are.' She pulled me in for another kiss and I lost myself in her. She just let go of my lips as she pulled my shirt over my head and hers soon after…Soon our clothes were next to us and just my cape was covering us.

Well I think that should be long enough

If you want me to write what happens in the cave…you'll have to review and tell me. (Even though, I honestly have no Idea if I can really write that, I never tried a hetero scene before xD)


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